Dear Diary: On Self-Acceptance

Trigger warning: description of anxiety attack

I can’t stop thinking about how much of a productive week I had last week, and I’m still having so far. This got me thinking about how my hormonal cycle impacts my life and my work. As I mentioned yesterday, I struggle with PMDD, and it’s biggest impact is that at least two weeks in each month is not great. Not great ranges from depression and anxiety to the total lack of will to do anything (including and especially things I love like reading and writing), and sometimes all of the aforementioned. And as someone with a lot to do and so much I want to accomplish, knowing I will have two weeks with almost zero productivity causes me to put so much pressure on myself in the weeks where I feel “normal”.

April this year, was the first time I was truly accepting of the fact that there will be days (weeks) where I can’t bring myself to do anything, and that’s okay. That self-acceptance stemmed from my decision to slow down at the start of the year and pay more attention to my mental health. Prior to that, I’d been struggling with increased anxiety which manifested in anxiety attacks. There was a week in November last year, where I suffered two episodes in the span of four days.

I still remember the intense palpitations, the looming feeling of fear, sticking my head out of my friend’s apartment window because everywhere suddenly seemed to be closing in on me. My friend playing a breathing technique video on YouTube and encouraging me to follow along. After a couple of breath cycles, my heart rate slow down, I felt calmer, and what remained was the conviction to do all I can to improve my life. I couldn’t continue like this.

Two months prior to that, I’d visited Lisbon, my happy place, and my anxiety followed me across the ocean. My breathing could only be calmed by doing nothing but staring out at sea. It became clear I needed to do more internal work, so that whether I was in London, Lisbon or Berlin, I was still at peace. PMDD may come in its varying form, but the anxiety would be much reduced.

I can’t say I’ve achieved that yet, but I’m a lot better with listening to myself, cutting down my to-do lists, reallocating tasks and simply taking breaks. I’ve inherited my mum’s trait of always wanting to do something with her time, but I’m striving to ensure moments of play are always included in my list of to-dos. On that note, I recently got a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle which I spent the weekend working on, and it’s still not finished (so help me, God) but I’ve enjoyed every second of being lost in the process. I hope to create more moments like this.